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The Investor Class
By Alex Bochicchio
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'05s are hoping bullish times return soon |
We have been out of college for nearly four years – barely qualifying for the three to five year window of a typical private equity investment, but close. During this time, the economy has run the gamut. Wall Street could not hire enough Ivy League grads in 2005. And now, investment bankers think nostalgically of leverage, similar to how we remember Tubestock: risky, out of control, and extinct.
The recent financial turmoil has caused me to wonder: What have been our best (or worst) investments since graduation?
“Definitely my rollerblades,” responded Alexis Ettinger, graduate of the London School of Economics, who has replaced her daily tube rides with blading across Blackfriars Bridge. “The dollar/pound conversion and gas prices have forced me to reevaluate my budget and lace up these puppies for the first time since 1996.”
Drawing upon her year in academia, Ettinger thoughtfully added, “And my helmet gives me good downside protection.”
Fellow New Yorker and credit analyst Benjamin Noland chimed in, “Yeah, my best investment was my sanity when I
quit a job that forced me to work 100 hours a week under taxing conditions.”
When asked to clarify the position that he left behind merely six months after graduation, Noland replied that he had been an analyst in Bear Stearns’ collateralized mortgage backed securities group.
Alyssa Hochman, scrabble aficionado and Wisconsin-based project manager, immediately identified her full-size dishwasher as the best performing asset within her portfolio.
Proving she did not sleep through all of her sophomore-year economic classes, Hochman added, “I steal at least four beer mugs each week from various bars around Madison, and the opportunity cost of washing each of these mugs would be substantial.”
Not all investments have been so lucrative.
“I was a little short on money when I first moved to the City, so I decided to look for sugar-daddy,” marathon runner and analyst Codi Vachon explained. “I put in approximately 50 hours at Joshua Tree and at least 10 hours per week thereafter once I identified and charmed the aforementioned gentleman.”
Like so many investors in recent months, Vachon realized her inadequate due diligence only in retrospect: “Unfortunately, it turned out the gentlemen was a trader at Amaranth.”
A rewarding investment often mentioned was the purchase of non-IKEA furniture, particularly what one classmate referred to as a “big-boy” bed. After years of uncomfortable dorm beds and sketchy, off-campus sleeping accommodations, the purchase of a new bed is symbolic of the transition from college to adult life.
Finally, these graduates have access to a bed that is big enough in which to … sleep.
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