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Dartmouth Alumnae With Whom I’ve Had Sex
by Alexis C. Jolly
The Face Times presents a new column by Alexis C. Jolly. Each issue will feature a profile of and follow-up interview with a Class of 2005 alumna Alexis recently seduced . . . at least until he grows bored of writing of them, or runs out of alumnae willing to have sex with him. Readers should be advised that the material is completely satirical in nature.
Jessica “Autumn” Bernkopf ‘05
...on sex with Alexis. C. Jolly—and Yurts
CAREER: Pursuing a Masters of Forestry at Oregon State University; breakfast wrap specialist at That’s a Wrap, Klamath Falls, Ore.
HOBBIES: Climbing (bouldering, top climbing, trad, sport, free soloing, urban freeform, suburban interpretative dance-climbing); creative animal husbandry
LIFE AT DARTMOUTH: A.B., Environmental Studies, with minor in Women’s and Gender Studies; Awarded the Marjorie J. Hunkleblat Prize in Gender Studies for thesis: “Exposing the (Anti-)Vagina: The Meta-Absence of the Ovary in the Texts of Jacques Lacan”; one term Kappa Kappa Gamma, then unaffiliated; equestrian (freshman/sophomore year), DOC, DMC, Foley House (sophomore-senior year)
FAMILY: Shares yurt in Oregon with eight fellow grad students/climbers/shepherds/That’s a Wrap employees;returns to Greenwich, Conn. for major holidays and Bernkopf Trust board meetings.
“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately; I had sex with Alexis because I was feeling pretty bummed after a temporary break-up with my boyfriend, Grant.”
“My relationship with Grant involved a holistic approach to all elements of life, including the food we ate, the
home we lived in, and the satisfaction we sought in simple pleasures. So I was a little shocked when Alexis insisted on having episodes of Saved By The Bell playing on his laptop while we had sex. And even further shocked when he paused mid-act to attempt to have foie gras express delivered to the middle of the woods, while cursing our lack of cell phone reception.”
“Sustainable living is the key to the economic and spiritual success of our country. Unfortunately, for the first hour or so, Alexis had an issue with ‘sustainability,’ even though I warned him that finishing a jug of wine wouldn’t impress any of my yurt-mates… least of all Starshine.”
“Generosity is my favorite virtue. And to his credit, I will say Alexis is a generous lover. Particularly once I pulled the bottle of locally produced Maple syrup from behind my air mattress, and we got that involved. Though the fact that he insisted on referring to himself as Paul Bunyan throughout the night did get a little annoying.”
“The most romantic moment of my life was when Grant wooed me back after our break-up, serenading me on his banjo to Iron and Wine’s “Flightless Bird” under the falling orange leaves of an Oregon September. The least romantic is when Alexis broke his promise to write me a follow-up love poem after returning to Los Angeles. I’m not convinced writing “ttyl” on my Facebook wall counts.”
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Anonymous wrote: Hilarious.
(Readers should be advised that the comment is completely satirical in nature)
Jun 17, 2009 10:29 am |
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